This Beautiful Mess
by Bad Yellow
Summary: Ellie was a complete basket case. But she was a beautiful basket case. She was his basket case. They could be one big psycho mess together.' [One-shot.]


Hi, kids. This here is a collaboration between myself/Aubrey (aka keeponwritin), and the wonderful KT (KT the Shimmer Skank). Woohoo for that.  
  
This is slightly AU, and slightly unconventional in format. Just deal. I mean, enjoy.  
  
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Sean walked up the familiar steps of the house of his former girlfriend, Ellie Nash. They weren't really that familiar. Ellie had never wanted him to come over. Sean didn't want her to come over, either. That was probably the first sign that the relationship was doomed; neither of them were comfortable with the other seeing their house. Things don't usually go well if you're sick of each other before you even start dating. Perhaps that's why their relationship only lasted a month and a half.  
  
Sean shook off those memories. He was here to give Ellie homework, as a favor for Ash. Nothing more. The door was cracked open, Sean noticed. He knocked, but no one came. Knocked again. He heard a vague, angry moan from within, but still no one came to the door.   
  
Timidly, he pushed open the door. "Hello?" he said. No answer. He entered the house, looking around slowly. Then with a bit of a gasp he spotted Ellie's mom, passed out drunk on the couch. He knew Ellie's mom was a drinker, but he'd never... seen it. It brought back memories of his own parents.   
  
He continued walking, up the stairs to where he remembered Ellie's room was. He heard heavy breathing and soft sobs, and swallowed hard. He shouldn't be here. Something was going on, and he didn't need to be a part of it. But he kept walking. He stopped at Ellie's door, which was partially open, and saw her. On the floor. Bleeding. With a piece of metal in her hand. It sent him soaring back to a few weeks ago, to the day when everything fell apart...   
  
°°°°°°°  
  
He was on Ellie's bed, wrapped up in a steamy make-out session with his girlfriend. He grabbed hold of her arms gently and pulled her closer, consequently tugging down her striped arm socks. He paused in shock when he noticed the cuts all over her arm.   
  
"Ellie?" he asked, worried and slightly freaked-out. "What IS this?"   
  
"I scratched myself on a fence," Ellie said quickly, breathing heavily with her heart beating 1000 kilometers per hour. She smiled slightly and looked him in the eye. It was so hard to lie. "It's nothing to worry about." Hesistantly, she tried to continue their make-out session.  
  
Sean engaged in kissing once again but he could not shake those images in his head. He pulled away. "Ellie..." he said. How to put this? You're obviously a big stinking liar? "Are you sure it's okay? I mean... that must have been a hell of a fence."   
  
"It's nothing," she said forcefully, sitting up. She pulled the sock back up, covering all of the scars. She couldn't tell Sean, he wouldn't understand. "They're healing," she said with her head down.   
  
Sean let out a long, frustrated sigh, one he'd been holding in for about a month and a half now. "Why can't you just tell me what's going on with you? Believe or not, I'm not as stupid as people say I am. I mean, I get it..." He reached out and touched Ellie's covered arm lightly. "I know what you're doing."   
  
She let out a shaky breath. She didn't want to trust him. She didn't want to trust anyone. She didn't need the pity.   
  
"You don't understand," she said, swallowing back tears. She wouldn't admit it to him, not like this. "It's not like that, okay? I'm not.." Her words trailed off, replaced by quiet sobs.   
  
Sean picked up the pieces of Ellie and held them as they sobbed in his arms. He was concerned. He was frustrated. He was sad. He was angry. This was complicated. It hurt his head.   
  
"Just tell me what... tell me what I can do to help. You don't have to keep things from me."  
  
"Like you don't keep things from me," she said, the words with bitter connotation but her voice as calm as possible. She raised her voice slightly, "Like I'm just the terrible secretive girlfriend, and you're the sensitive, understanding boyfriend." She resisted the urge to let more tears fall. "I don't even know you, Sean."   
  
"Oh, really?" Sean countered, feeling his temper flare up. That was never a good thing; bad things happened when Sean's temper kicked in. He stood up and started pacing slightly. "Then why am I even here? Why should I even hang around when you won't tell me a damn thing. It's like we're not even together when we're in the same room."   
  
"Because somewhere along the line, I liked you," Ellie said, feeling a deep-set fear of what Sean might do, but trying not to show it. She was actually feeling assertive--something that only occurred when Ellie was sure she was right. And this was one of those times. "One of us got the twisted idea that we should be together. But you have no idea how to maintain a relationship with _anyone_."  
  
Whoa, where was all this coming from? Sean wondered. His confusion and anger battled to outweigh one another. How had it escalated so fast from him trying to help to him suddenly being the world's worst boyfriend ever. He was at a loss. He wanted to be angry, to push back... but he also didn't want to hurt Ellie. He wanted things to be okay. It was so much easier when things were okay and they were lying to each other.   
  
"Fine. FINE." He threw up his hands, at a loss for any constructive words. "Maybe I should just GO then. You can spend quality time with your razor blade."   
  
Ellie tried to keep her guard up, but she just broke. Sean had managed to find her most vulnerable spot and stab it viciously.   
  
"Leave," she said, biting her lip to keep from crying. "Just LEAVE." And she broke, and she cried until her eyes ran dry.  
  
°°°°°°°  
  
Ellie stared at her arms, blood rushing to the surface. Her tears flowed rapidly down her face. The pain was slowly released, yet still trapped somewhere inside her. She heard the door creak behind her. She turned around, seeing who it was through blurry eyes. She didn't even try to hide her bleeding arms.   
  
"Ellie," Sean said when their eyes met. The word barely even escaped his lips; it sounded more like an exhalation than Ellie's name. He walked slowly into the room, dropping the homework in the floor carelessly, and kneeled beside her. He didn't say anything for a moment. He just stared at the fresh cut. "God..." he said, rubbing his temples. He suddenly remembered all those hurtful, hurtful things he'd said, and now that he was watching her in the act, he finally realized how horrible he'd really been. "I'm sorry."   
  
Being soft-spoken by nature, Ellie had never been in a situation like this. There were always ways to get out of things, to lie and hide the other side of her. Even Paige discovering her as a cutter wasn't horrible--she could still lie, say it was all under control, say she was functioning normally.   
  
She wanted him to be sorry. She wanted him to take the blame, so she didn't have to.   
  
"It's not your fault," she said, barely above a whisper.   
  
"It's my fault I was an asshole, though," Sean said so, so softly. Things felt so fragile right   
now and he was afraid if he spoke too loud he'd shatter them. "I didn't realize... I mean I did but... I shouldn't have walked out that day. I should have stayed. I should have been understanding." He reached out and toucher her shoulder, lightly.   
  
Ellie turned to Sean. His gentle touch on her shoulder, his tender words, the sincerity in his voice...all too much to take. If these things could heal her wounds.  
  
"Sean," she said softly, wrapping him in a loose embrace. "I can't do this anymore." She breathed heavily, trepidation and hesitation in her voice. "I miss you."   
  
He didn't know why but it was like warmth was raining down on him when Ellie said those words. To be honest, he hadn't even thought about missing Ellie; just like he hadn't thought about missing Emma. He seemed to have a habit of leaving on an angry note and then just wiping the conflict from memory.   
  
But to hear her say it, pure and honest, in a moment so surreal, made him feel... needed. It was like, wow, there was someone in the world more fucked up than him, and she needed him to make it better. It was the kind of feeling their relationship had been lacking from the beginning.   
  
"I miss you, too," he said, smiling in a sad kind of way. He wanted to wish those open wounds away.   
  
Ellie's head felt like it might explode. It was so easy, to forgive and forget, to act like Sean had never said anything hurtful, like Sean was not the cause of any of her problems. But her life was simply full of unattainable love. And here, a chance presented itself. It would be rocky. But it would be love.   
  
She didn't smile, but the look on her face was hopeful, as she grasped his hand in hers and interlaced their fingers.   
  
He sat with her for a moment, in calm yet unnerving silence, breathing heavy. He lightly stroked her fingers with his and simply soaked in his thoughts. He had so much to say; he had nothing at all to say.   
  
"Maybe I should get you something?" he asked, looking at the fresh cuts on her arm. "Like uh, wet towel or something?"   
  
Ellie stared in silent contemplation. She hated that he'd brought her attention back to her bleeding wrists when she was in a moment of hope. She wanted to forget she'd ever done this to herself.   
  
"S-sure," she said quietly, letting go of his hand slowly.   
  
He nodded to her reassuringly, meeting her eyes for a moment, before slowly standing up and leaving her there while he went to the bathroom. He found a faded orange wash rag and held it under the faucet. As he stood by the sink he couldn't help but glance at his reflection. He suddenly remembered who he was, where he was, what was happening. He needed a moment to breathe.  
  
He returned to Ellie and placed the rag softly on her arm. He took a deep breath. "Is there anything... you want to talk about?"  
  
Ellie never liked talking; she preferred tacit communication. But there were things she could only say with words. She watched as cold water cooled her burning scars.   
  
"We broke up for stupid reasons." She sighed. "We both screwed up, but we could've moved past it." She looked up with glittering eyes and spoke oh-so-quietly. "Th-there's still hope for us." She swallowed hard. "Right?"   
  
Sean would have laughed if it weren't so completely unfunny. Was this really happening? It was so out of the blue. And yet he wanted it so bad. He wanted to try at something that wouldn't end in shambles, like everything else.   
  
"Of course," Sean said, a little shaky. He met her eyes for a moment, begging for forgiveness and understanding. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Of course there's still hope."   
  
Ellie smiled at the gentle affection. How had things changed so rapidly? Their relationship before was so strained. Now it just felt so open, so much more relaxed and...trusting. With the towel around her left arm, she placed her right hand on his shoulder, moving closer and letting their lips touch. Mere seconds later, she broke it apart.   
  
"S-sorry," she quietly apologized. She understand the rules of this game. She didn't understand what they were. Were they back together? Were they still friends? Were they in some in-between stage? All this complication just came at her so quickly.   
  
"No, um..." said Sean, recognizing the complicatedness of this situation. "It's okay. Really." And he leaned in, and reciprocated, kissing her as gently as possible, because the moment still seemed positioned so precariously.   
  
Ellie's mind was so intent on this: kissing Sean. She was kissing Sean. Her right hand still placed on his shoulder, her thumb resting lightly against his neck. She was transported out of reality for a moment; it was all so surreal, all too perfect. She moved forward just slightly, allowing their kisses to go from gentle to passionate.   
  
So... this meant something? Sean guessed. He thought perhaps it meant they were back together. Or maybet hey were just strangers making out. He could live with either, really. He kept kissing her. He wondered how he'd gone this long without kissing her, because it was really, really... good.   
  
He parted for a moment, catching his breath, brushing her scarlett hair out of her eyes, looking at her for a moment. He moved in and began kissing her again, pulling into him and cradling her slightly in his arms.   
  
Ellie hadn't felt so safe in forever. The list of the boys who had held her this way was short, but even without the comparisons, she felt safe and warm in his arms. She couldn't leave this now; she slowly became addicted to the endorphins rushed to her brain. She let the towel fall off her arm as she moved in even closer.  
  
The kissing continued, and as it escalated into touching Sean began to wonder how in the HELL he had come to find himself in this situation. He had only meant to bring over some homework. And now he was making out with his ex-girlfriend, who was now possibly his girlfriend again? But whatever. These were the waves of Sean Cameron's life; he never knew which shore he'd wash up on each day.  
  
At last their lips parted, and Sean took Ellie up in his arms. She laid against his chest with his arms around her, his cheek against hers and his chin resting lightly on her shoulder. "Do you... want us to get back together?" he asked, trying to sound indifferent as he lightly stroked her hands with his own. All signs pointed to yes, but in this world you couldn't rely   
on guesswork. He wanted to hear it, plain and simple, in exact words.  
  
Ellie hestitated. He couldn't have asked a more difficult question. Her heart screamed yes, but she couldn't bear to say that if all she was to hear was a polite rejection. But she couldn't say no, because it would be such a lie, and she needed the comfortable state she was in now. She'd just have to deal with the consequences of her words.   
  
"Yes," she whispered, her mouth in close proximity to his ear.   
  
Sean rested the weight of his heavy head against Ellie's, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He smiled. "Okay. Let's do it," he said. "But I want to start out right. I want to say I'm sorry... for all the shit that happened before. Really."   
  
There was just no way Ellie couldn't forgive Sean now. All she cared about anymore was sincerity. And this all was the epitome of sincerity. She hugged him tighter.   
  
"I'm sorry for worrying you," she said softly into his ear. "It's all behind us, though."   
  
Sean hesitated for just a moment. He kind of expected Ellie to take more of the blame than that. After all, it couldn't be completely his fault. But apparently she wasn't up for giving any apologies.   
  
He shook it off. "Yeah. We'll just, start over."  
  
Ellie smiled, resting in her boyfriend's arms. He was so compassionate, and understanding, and she couldn't realize how she'd lived without him. Oh, right. By cutting.   
  
"So why'd you come over, anyway," she asked, finally moving over and sitting next to him.   
  
"Oh," said Sean, as it re-dawned on him. He went and picked up Ellie's homework, lying on the floor, and handed it to her. "Ash told me to bring this to you. It's your make-up work from today."   
  
"Oh. Thanks," she said simply, taking her books and placing them on her lap. She wasn't sure exactly what to say. Now that they were official... "Do you want to um, stay for dinner?"   
  
Sean thought of the drunken prop of a mother that was lying down stairs on the couch, and felt slightly uncomfortable. Not that being around a drunk would phase him in the slightest; on the contrary, he'd feel right at home. But still, Ellie might be in an awkward position if she felt like she had to explain. Maybe they could just go out somewhere together and grab a burger or something. He tried to remember if he had a few extra dollars in his pocket...  
  
Then he realized what he was doing. They were doing it all over again. Playing the hiding game. Letting each other keep their secrets. Nothing would ever get better if they kept faking each other out, only keeping part of themselves out in the open.  
  
"Sure," he said at last. No more games. He took Ellie's hand. So how have you been lately? What's been going on with you?  
  
Ellie sighed. She thought the cutting had laid things out in black and white. Besides cutting and being generally miserable, what was her life these days? Vacuous, to say the least. It had all been such repetition. Eat, sleep, school, work, over and over. She didn't really want to go through this, but this honesty was helping things already.   
  
"Not great," she said, after a long pause. "With the internship and all my homework. And...taking care of myself and all.." She trailed off a bit, then came back with a softer voice. "It's manageable, though." Okay, so that was...somewhat of a lie.   
  
Sure, it was manageable. By way of self-infliction. Sean felt an internal pang. "Well you won't have to do it alone now," Sean said quietly. His eyes moved across the room and he saw her guitar, leaning against the bed. "So, you and Ash have been getting into music lately, right?"   
  
"Yeah....sort of," Ellie said quietly, her eyes moving to the guitar, too. They'd had a little band for a while, but all of Ash's angry Craig-hating lyrics got tiresome after a while. She didn't even know the guy. In fact, Ash's lyrics kept getting more and more incomprehensible by Ellie--she wasn't really getting where they were coming from anymore. "We haven't really played in a while, though."   
  
"Feel like playing a little something right now?" he asked, grinning slightly. What could be cuter than a girl with a guitar? "I don't think I've ever heard you play, come to think of it." Another startling realization for how much of a joke their relationship had been. How could he ever have called himself her boyfriend, and he'd never even heard her play her guitar? But they were fixing that now.   
  
"Sure," she said apprehensively, barely smiling and moving across the room, picking up her guitar. "I couldn't sing if my life depended on it, so I'll just..." She glanced downward, placing the guitar in her lap. "Yeah," she said above a whisper. She closed her eyes for a moment. Her hands found their way to the guitar strings, and tentatively, she began to play a sad, slow song, all the while trying to suppress her nerves, which constantly reminded her that Sean was in the room, without even opening her eyes.   
  
Sean watched her soft, soft hands as they strummed the guitar so lovingly. It was really, really good. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it just looked so beautiful that Sean assumed it sounded beautiful, too. Eyes closed, arms bleeding, heart pouring into her instrument; Ellie was a complete basket case. But she was a beautiful basket case. She was his basket case. They could be one big psycho mess together.  
  
Ellie let out a content sigh. She felt so calm when she played like this. She was screwing up left and right, but she was in another world. Suddenly reality came to her mind, and she stopped playing somewhat abruptly.   
  
"I know," she said crestfallenly, placing the guitar on her lap again and plucking at the strings absentmindedly. "I'm out of practice. That was terrible."   
  
"No," said Sean, smiling reassuringly. "That was great. I mean, I could never do anything like that. Did you write that yourself?"   
  
"Yeah," she said bashfully. "I wrote it pretty recently. I mean...I haven't shared it with Ash yet or anything." She let her fingers dance across the strongs absentmindedly. "I could teach you a little, if you want." She looked over at him with unsure eyes.   
  
Sean just kind of laughed. "Me?" He stared at the guitar as if it might bite him at any moment. "I don't know... that looks potentially dangerous."  
  
"It's not as hard as it looks," she said, passing him over her light guitar. "Actually, it's harder." She smiled and scooted over, and took his right hand, gently placing it around the neck of the guitar, his other hand resting near the strings. She moved his hands along, creating a fairly simple song. He wasn't the most coordinated one around, but it was somewhat endearing.   
  
"Good job," she said, somewhat sarcastically, their faces oh-so-close together.   
  
"Haha, I suck," Sean stated simply. He strumed a few more empty chords, pretending like it sounded very good and bopping his head to the beat. "I am musically retarded. There's just no way around it. I appreciate the thought, though," he said with a smile, placing a kiss on her cheek.   
  
Ellie stared at Sean for a moment, and just saw...beauty. This is what it was supposed to be like. It was everything she'd wanted and all she'd needed. She moved the guitar out of the way, and had no qualms about moving in to kiss Sean on the lips.   
  
Mmmm. Nothing like a guitar lesson to get a hot make-out session going. They had alot of lost time to make up for, it seemed. It was like starting over, like picking up from where they should have started some time ago. All the s/hit that had been plaguing Sean's mind just seemed to melt away, and his mind was filled with only Ellie. Ellie was the cure. He kissed her. And kissed her. And kissed her.   
  
Ellie had never felt like this, like her kisses were so wanted and needed. It had always been one-sided: giving and giving and receiving nothing in return. And even though they were most obviously making out on her bed at this point, it didn't feel wrong. Nor did it feel wrong when she pushed him gently down to a reclining position, and continued their mini-make out session.  
  
Slow, fast. Slow, fast. Sean was enraptured as their making out moved to a rhythm. He placed his hands on her hips, squeezing her softly in his grip. He brought himself up a little to deepen their kiss, when he felt his foot kick over the guitar.   
  
"Uh, oops..." he said.   
  
Ellie bit her lower lip and suppressed a little laugh. It was kinda adorable, she thought, as she reached around and placed her guitar on the floor. She turned her attention back around to Sean and adjusted herself ontop of him. She laid one hand on his chest, her other hand on that hand, and rested her chin on her hands. She just sort of smiled. And contemplated. And smiled some more.  
  
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